I am a bit ashamed that I have not made it back to the keyboard since JANUARY! (Not that I’ve been busy or anything). It feels a bit silly to imagine that people out there in the black hole (that I like to think “blog world” is) have been sad and waiting for me to write…really I’m just doing it for myself. I have had so many thoughts on my heart over the last months and I’ve wanted so badly to sit down and write them out, but I just couldn’t do it until today!
I’m sitting here at the desk with the most terribly messy bedroom you’ve ever seen behind me (my mother would be ashamed of my unmade bed and all the clothes strewn everywhere!) and a kitchen with a sink full of dirty dishes, but I am taking this (nap)time to break my months of silence in an attempt to bring you up to speed with our life, but also just to let go of some things. It’s a bit difficult to even know where to begin…
As I reflect on our lives over the last year the only word that I can really use to describe it is overwhelmed! We were so overwhelmed by the lovingkindness poured out to us during the initial shock of Judah’s diagnosis and subsequent hospitalizations and I will never be able to express our gratitude for that precious time. I think in my mind we just had to get home from the hospital and start our (new) “normal” life. Not really sure why I thought that after being born 7 weeks early with physical disabilities that coming home from the hospital would somehow make him a “normal” newborn (as we like to refer to them in the medical world…I do personally believe that normal is such a subjective word…especially when referring to children!). I know you are all shocked, but that never happened. It’s been exhausting and sad at times coming to the realization that our sweet little Judah Boy is in an uphill struggle to make it to the “normal” milestones.
And sometimes I am so ashamed of myself for feeling so down in the dumps occasionally when I look at his sweet face! Never once has he shown (an abnormal amount) of frustration that he can’t reach a toy or sit up on his own or prop himself up with his arms when he’s on his tummy. Instead, he is one of the most determined little guys you’ve ever seen and comes up with his own way to get things done…it really is amazing and I feel blessed that I don’t take his accomplishments- however small they may seem- for granted like some with “normal” kids may do without even realizing it. I imagine him at preschool or kindergarden (or high school and college for that matter!) graduation and I already know that I’m going to be the proudest mother in the crowd. I am taking one day at a time and some days are great, some days are hard.
Big surprise…I have been overwhelmed at God’s provision for support through this season. Our closest friends here at seminary, Joe and Megan Fraser, were blessed with a sweet little boy, Liam James, on April 21st who was also born with a syndrome. And although it is very different than Judah’s, I cannot express the joy and relief that Megan and I have brought to one another as we exchange triumphs and sorrows over the last few months. How great is God in mercy and kindness to place us on one another’s path and make us great friends before either of us knew the journey our families were about to embark on?! I cannot understand His ways: in his Sovereignty, grace and love He knew that we would need friends like these to hold us up and walk with an rare understanding of “been there, done that”. If you read my blog and are not from “around here” you should look up Megan’s blog ( www.myquestforjoy.blogspot.com ) to read about their journey with sweet Liam- they are such a blessing to our family and could really use your prayers and support as they begin collegiate ministry at SF State in the midst of trial in their own family.
There are so many wonderful things that mom’s get to do on maternity leave: spend quality time with their new baby, go on walks, get a great schedule going, readjust to motherhood…and the list goes on! Well, let’s just say I chose the “path less travelled” and the very week that I returned to work found myself in our bathroom at home face to face with a positive home pregnancy test! Yet again, overwhelmed! (also, notice how many months it has taken to write about this experience with a hint of humor!) Let’s just put it out there, no it was not planned, but I am thankful that we are not in 100% control of our lives because there is so much to celebrate about a new life coming to our little family. After several (and by several, I mean a WHOLE lot of) weeks, we moved past the total and utter shock and this week we found out it’s a girl!!!!
This is the name that we’ve chosen for our sweet little girl. I love thinking about the Biblical Eden: a place where no pain, striving, shame, want, brokeness, fear or sadness existed. But most poignantly, there was the unceasing, unveiled Presence of God, Himself. Can you even imagine?! I long for the day when our Lord returns and we are taken home to a place where all of these things will be restored to those who know and serve Him. My prayer for our little girl is that she would grow to be a graceful woman whose spirit embodies the hope we have in Christ Jesus, and that her life would reflect the precious redemption we have in Him. I am getting more and more excited thinking about the new addition to our family and although when I look at: our lack of space (think 2 cribs in a tiny bedroom!), wonder how we are going to make it with two when some days I feel like we are barely hanging on with one, and have no idea what the future holds I DO get overwhelmed…I am trying to focus on the overwhelming reality that God is blessing our family more than we know what to do with!