After a wonderful day celebrating the Risen Lord on Easter with family (yippee for my sister being here!) and friends, I had a moment alone to contemplate what Easter means to me this year. Everyone has a path that, in part, forms who they become and how they see the world. It took me only a few short months working as a nurse to realize that I had a choice to make: harden my heart to the experiences I had at work in order to prevent being hurt again and again…or allow my heart to break again and again in order to minister and care for people right in the trenches of their hardship. I never dreamed these hardships would become personal in addition to professional with my own child one day.
I often want to blog about my experiences at work but I always hesitate because it is often, in Colby’s words, so “morbid”! I am also quite concerned speaking about particular times or circumstances for the sake of my patients’ privacy and my own professionalism…but tonight, I feel it’s important for me to let the flood gates open (a little…) about some of the general things I see and feel on a somewhat regular basis because the end of this sad story is such a happy one!
There are a handful of close friends and family that have the blessing/curse of helping me “debrief” from different scenarios at work…some are hilarious and some are just downright sad and sobering. The first time I cared for a child that was dying was the first time I really felt like I saw the ugliness of sin, and the resulting broken world we live in. Watching the struggle to hold on to life and the agony and sting that death holds even for some of the tiniest and most innocent lives is painful, heartbreaking…it’ll mess you up. The last couple of years since only doing neonatal resuscitations in the delivery room, having kids of my own, walking with friends through tough seasons of life, and continuing to research and pursue a life dedicated to orphan care- I feel like I’ve seen so much, too much. And you know, keeping it inside just gets to you.
Hearing that dreadful alert for an emergency c-section and rushing to the OR to quickly prepare your equipment, almost holding your breath with the words “Uterine incision.” from the surgeon knowing it is almost “show time” and hoping it’s a “boring episode”. Feeling the adrenaline pumping as you and your team literally hold the line between life and death…and the crash you feel afterward regardless of the outcome. Comforting a mommy holding her sweet baby that was born into Heaven rather than staying on Earth to fulfill all of the hopes and dreams of their parents. Being with people that I don’t know, people that I do know and even myself, experiencing the painful question of, “Why does disability exist in the world, Lord?!” Thinking of my own sweet boy who is moving toward having his first big reconstructive surgery and knowing the intense pain that will follow. Hearing the plight of orphans, both here and abroad, that must fight their struggles alone and afraid. I’ve battled many a spiritual battle in my heart and mind going to the depths of sorrow with patients, with close friends, with my own family. I’m not gonna lie, it’s a huge burden to carry around (when I try to do it alone, that is!). But you wanna know what it all boils down to? Death and sorrow and disability and orphans and pain and suffering and despair…what they all boil down to is the ugliness of sin and the Fall of Man.
There in the ground, His Body lay, light of the World by Darkness slain. Then bursting forth in Glorious Day, up from the Grave He rose again! And as He stands in Victory sin’s curse has lost it’s grip on me. For I am His and He is mine, bought with the Precious blood of Christ.
What a glorious thought that all of these horrible things (as a result of sin in our fallen world) have already been defeated on the first Easter morning when the stone was rolled away from the Tomb!!!!! I am humbled by my experiences and all of the hard things I’ve seen that many people never will because, although it sometimes seems that they highlight the dark sadness in the world, they also highlight the victory we have in Christ and his triumph over sin and the grave. Lord, give me the eyes to see your victory in a world of so many injustices, knowing that You are coming again!
He is Risen! He is Risen, indeed!