An Open Letter to My Son, Titus

Oct 22nd

My sweet baby boy,

It’s night time here in Texas, and I can see your sweet face bright eyed and ready for a new day in Seoul where it is already morning.  Your Momma and Daddy are working so fiercely to get everything ready for you at home, and I want you to know a few things about our story…your story, because some days will be hard, baby boy, and one day you’ll need an anchor for the storms of life that Momma and Daddy won’t be big enough or strong enough to fill.

Momma and Daddy’s love for you began waaaaaaaay before you were born!  In fact, way before your big brother and sister were born…before we were even married!  You see, we met a little boy with a story like yours, and- even though we didn’t know when or where- we knew that one day, God would bring you into our lives and we would know you were our son.  We waited and prayed until just the right time.  Momma searched for you day and night, looking through a sea of thousands of other little faces…I couldn’t sleep at night until I knew that I had found you and that you would be ours.

We quickly got to work on a plan to bring you into our Forever Family….and it was hard work!  Lots and lots and LOTS of paperwork, doctor visits, saving money and begging God for a way to pay for all the necessary expenses…we would do whatever it took to bring you home!  It’s been such a long journey waiting for you, watching you grow and learn, but separated from the family that we know you were meant to be in forever.  We’ve cried many tears and so many around us love you already and have been cheering us on…cheering you on and waiting for the day that you arrive home.  We are getting to the end of this Journey of Adopting you, and in a few short weeks, we will travel to stand before a judge and plead our case of why you should be in our family.  We are praying it won’t be much longer after that until we fly back to get you.  We are so excited we can hardly stand it…we can’t wait for the day we get to bring you home!  I’ve imagined a thousand times in my mind going down the elevator in the airport in Austin, Texas to see “Welcome Home, Titus!” signs, balloons, and so, so many smiling, JOYOUS faces that have been awaiting your arrival for months…years!

But I find myself sad at the same time, that it wasn’t meant to be this way…broken and messy.  A baby boy isn’t supposed to have three Mommas: a brave birth momma, a sacrificing foster Omma, and a forever momma.  A baby boy should be born to one momma who is all of these things and more.  I find myself grieving, striving, groaning alongside you and the pain that this world will bring in your little life and I realize that my love, and your Daddy’s love, can only stretch so far.  This heaviness in Kyle, Texas tonight, and all the while, you’re eating your breakfast in Seoul, and your little heart couldn’t fathom all that is to come- the hard and the good.

You see, baby boy, all I can see is your face streaming with tears as we drive away from that place in Seoul, with your Omma and Appa on the sidewalk, tears streaming too.  And how will I comfort your grieving heart when we don’t speak the same language?!  And I see you down the road, when maybe someone will make fun of you because you don’t look like your family, because you’re adopted, because you are Asian or because you’re not “Asian enough” since you grew up with white folks.  My heart breaks at the thought of you as a man struggling through the decision your birth momma made that, however loving and sacrificial, brought brokenness into your world.  I will tell you so, so many things, I’m sure, but I want to start off by telling you this:

You were never alone.  You are never alone.  You never will be alone.

That day, three days after your first Christmas, when your momma had to leave, the very Spirit of God was with you, protecting you…He heard  your cries.  When we drive away from Eastern Social Welfare Society and Momma doesn’t know the words to say to you, my son, I’m trusting in the One who can speak to your heart.  I’m trusting in a God who says that His Spirit groans with ours when we don’t even have words to speak in times of unspeakable grief.  I know that when you are older, finding your identity in Christ will transcend all race, nationality and brokenness, and I’m praying you will find that one day, my son.  Some days it may be hard to have faith, sweet boy, when you are reflecting on your journey, but I want to tell you another story.  And I want you to remember this story and share this story and don’t ever be ashamed of who you are and who you are becoming.

A long time ago, the first brokenness came into the world and that started the down spiral to this messy place we live in now and call home.  Children that were meant to live happy and healthy lives were sad and empty.  And these children?  They are all of us.  And this brokenness?  It separated us from our Good Father…but He wouldn’t, He couldn’t leave it that way, so He made a plan.  A plan to adopt His children into His Forever Family.  It was time consuming, it took so many years to get everything ready.  It was costly, and as Jesus was about to make the payment, He checked just to make sure there was no other way, but seeing that there was not, He paid the high cost of our spiritual adoption with His very life- willingly and lovingly.  He went before the Judge and plead our case to be brought into the Family of God…to be sons and daughters!  And He’s been adopting children into the Forever Family ever since.  He lovingly looks for each of us, seeks us out and pursues us, while we are eating our breakfast, oblivious to this reality.  While we are going about life as usual, unaware or questioning His existence, and in no way would we be able to fathom all that He has in store for us- the hard times and the good times- and how being in the Family of God will strengthen us for these times.  Remember this, my precious son, remember this.  So many would have you believe that this could not be true, but look! today you can’t imagine how your life is about to be changed, and that we have been lovingly pursuing you for years now.  If we- your parents bogged down by the brokenness of this world- could love you so much and strive so hard for you, how much more your Father in Heaven?!  This journey may be hard to work through, just as coming home to us will be a hard journey some days, but it will be good.

I used to wonder how Luke 15:7 could be true…how all of heaven could rejoice over one “lost sheep” more than over a “good” stock of 99 sheep that never knew they needed a Good Shepherd.  How could all of Heaven get so excited about one child coming home?!  Sweet baby boy, I don’t wonder any more.  You’ve taught me how much pure, blissful, heavenly JOY the homecoming of one, sweet child can truly be.

Momma and Daddy love you, Titus, and we are coming to meet you, sweet one, and we are praying for the day we get to bring you HOME!

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