Started writing this last weekend, and I’m just getting around to finishing up….so you know, just go with it…
I feel like I could’ve written about 10 blog posts this week and now I’m feeling like I have way too much to say for one post, so we’ll see how it goes…may be “part 1”. This past week was a roller coaster. I wanted to first say hard, but then it was so good in other ways that I just can’t leave that out…a hard good, but good nonetheless.
It was hard because Titus started regressing a bit. We knew it was coming because it happens with all adopted kids…they kind of cycle around. Two steps forward, one step back. He still really needs a small nap during the day to ward off a suuuuuuper cranky afternoon/evening, but he refuses to go to sleep. (The pic is one of those days where he just couldn’t fight anymore on the drive to pick up the big kids from school, poor buddy.) He’s been pickier with his food and really resisting self-feeding. It ‘s super discouraging after last week was so great and he was spooning and spearing food all on his own and seemed so motivated, to getting so angry with me for pushing him to feed himself his breakfast. We had a couple of rough breakfasts this week were he was screaming and crying and just plain mad at me for cheering him on towards independence. I would do a couple bites or help him do it himself, but he was screaming the whole way through…just angry tears. And it reminds me, yet again, of all he’s lost and how hard it is to see that and walk that with your child. On Tuesday morning was one of the breakfast battles and after we got the big kids buckled in and off to school with daddy, I was just saying to myself, “I just don’t want to do this today. I don’t want my whole day to be screaming, pitching fits and me feeling helpless and trapped.” I walked in the door and knew it was my choice.
If I’m gut level honest, I was fighting anger, too. It just puts you in a bad mood when someone yells in your face, ya know?! But I’m slowly learning that there are a lot Titus’ behaviors that there is nothing I can do to change, and if I don’t want to have a crappy day, it’s on me. I mean, how lame to let a three year old completely dictate my emotions and the type of day that I’m going to have. But faced with my weak self, yet again, I realize there is no way to do this in my own power.
I took a deep breath, and walked back through the front door after waving good bye to the big kids and knew what I needed…I needed the Word of God to breathe life back into my weary, angry soul if I was going to make it through the day. On New Year’s I downloaded a really cool app (only $0.99!) called Daily Audio Bible. There is a podcast type thing each day and you read through the entire Bible in a year, but it’s in audio form. You read a little Old Testament and a little New Testament each day. I had to be real with myself and know that 1) I was going to need to read the Word of God every.single.day. if I was going to make it through this transitional time and 2) there was no way I’d be able to depend on a quiet moment to actually sit down and read at the beginning of my day consistently with three kids waking up at all hours of the night and getting up before 6:00 most days to get kids ready for school.
Anyhow, I started listening to the reading for the day and we were in Exodus, where the Israelites had just crossed the Red Sea and were now in the desert, starving and angry with Moses for bringing them out of Egypt and slavery only to die in the desert. And then God heard the cry of Moses on behalf of the people and brought down something called Manna every morning. It’s so funny, because manna is literally translated as “what is it?”. It was sort of flakey bread and tasted sort of sweet, like honey. Every morning, God brought another “batch” to be gathered up in the morning, and sustained the Children of Israel.
As if this whole thing wasn’t just a big, fat, “HELLLLLOOOOO!” about me needing to trust in the Lord to give me what I need a little at a time and just take things one day at a time, there was one thing that stuck out more than the rest. He mentioned that some people gathered little, and some people gathered a lot, but each person always had enough. I’m sure this could be dissected with much weightier theology and context, but it spoke simple volumes to my soul. He sees me. He knows how hard every single day, and sometimes every moment, is…He knows how hard they are. And on those days where I can barely squeak out more than a, “Help me!” and listen to an audio Bible reading, He is still more than enough. I don’t have to gather a lot up in this season of life, because He is going to make sure I have just enough strength, grace, patience and love to make it through one day. And on the days that I totally screw up and yell or get angry or just wrestle inside my own head and heart, He’s there on those days, offering grace and forgiveness to a repentant heart. And the next morning? There’s fresh grace, fresh provision, fresh manna. I’m so desperate for Him to strengthen me for this overwhelming task, but He is more than enough and I will carry on for and to the Glory of His Name.